Everything and Nothing

As far as I could tell there was only one moment in your entire life where everything changes, but nothing changes at the same time. That moment is the moment when you find out that you are going to have a baby.

It was early on October 6, 2022 when Courtney brought me the pregnancy test that changed everything.

As we sat there together processing the happy news, it dawned on me that everything in my life changed in a single instant. And almost as quickly I realized that to the outside world, nothing changed at all. I couldn’t tell anyone about the news. So while my brain and heart were burning with happiness and more than a little trepidation, I got dressed and went to work and had to act like nothing changed.

I had to do this dance for 8 more weeks. 8 weeks where we spent our evenings and nights giddy with thoughts of what is to come, but days spent pretending like nothing had changed at all.

I’ve had the title of this post queued up since around 7:45am on October 6, 2022. It’s been 23 weeks since we got pregnant and 19 since we saw that word on the test. I kept wanting to write, wanting to put out into the world a post that describes this duality of a moment. I couldn’t do it.

The reality is that I am embarking on a lifetime of these moments. These dual moments where everything changes, but nothing changes. One day in June our little boy is going to be born and again everything will change, but nothing will change. I’m still going to have to go to work and pretend like I want to be there when all I will really want to do is be at home with him.

Courtney is going to drop him off at daycare and pretend that we think this is the right thing to do, when what we really want is to win the lottery and never spend a moment away from him.

We are going to introduce him to our dog Willow and instantly regret it. Because we know he is going to be in middle school when Willow will likely cross the rainbow bridge and our little boy will have to learn life’s hardest lesson so young.

There are a million moments to come where everything will change and nothing will change.

But on October 6, 2022, we had the first of those moments and I will cherish it forever. Because that moment was just for us.

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